The panic attacks are back, and worse than ever, but not all that frequent, I suppose. Today I drank an ice coffee and was freaking out the rest of the day. If Yoko weren’t here I’d be a fucking loon by now. Where does it all come from? Here I used to think it was all triggered by a dance party to support clean water research in Cameroon. It’s becoming life-encompassing now. In my worst moments, I find myself physically and mentally distancing me from Yoko, all the while thinking she’s the reason I’m alive right now. She’ll be right next to me and I’ll be off in outer space ranting and raving in my head.

Today we went to Nagoya to see the new Batman (there’s no movie theater in this town) and because she wanted to go to the salon and be a woman. I stopped by Book-Off to kill some time and bought Pearl Jam’s Vitalogy, an album from my childhood that’s important to me, but which I had never really examined closely until tonight. I got home after a day of freaking out and thinking my heart might be on its last tick, and I found that the liner notes were introduced with this passage:

Live Prolonged Indefinitely
We know little of the life of early mankind, but we are reasonably sure that some lived to be 500 and up to 900 years of age.

Many young men will laugh at this advice and warning now, but when older will mourn and regret their early indiscretions.

The wise man of old said: “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.” If you permit no thought of disease and death to enter your mind you will have accomplished nine-tenths of the battle to stave off these foes. Tight clothing must of course be absolutely discarded.

The spark of life is to be accepted as a sacred trust to be transmitted undimmed to future generations

Not sure about the tight clothing part, but to go to Nagoya and buy this CD and read this passage on this day…it all seems a little serendipitous. I’m probably full of shit, but it feels almost orchestrated.

Also picked up a Creedence Clearwater Revival greatest hits collection. Y’know, cuz they’re neat.

On a lighter note, I of course enjoyed Dark Knight. Great opening scene. We watched Batman Begins last night to get pumped, but I feel like that movie doesn’t do so well on repeated viewings. Dark Knight felt more gratifying, and it had my two favorite characters, whom I suppose I shouldn’t mention, except that one of them is Joker.

Also, the other day I was making fun of Yoko’s idol, Takamizawa, who is a Japanese man in his ’50s and who shreds up guitars–many of which are shaped like various holy objects–like a madman. I was making fun of him because the first time I saw him, I thought he was a white woman, possibly Tori Amos. Naturally Yoko was at first offended, until I showed her what Tori Amos looked like. She was like “Oh holy shit, they look exactly the same.” Not sure, but I reckon it just turned her on.

I should probably sleep.

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