Well, I’ll be quitting my awesome kindergarten job later this month. I like everything about this job, except that it’s far as shit and a huge waste of time. It bears repeating that it’s a seven-hour commitment for 30-60 minutes of teaching. Seven hours. And one time I broke my goddamn teeth trying to get there.

So with my departure fast approaching, I thought it’d be nice to hand out some superlatives to the amazing, charming teachers. Unfortunately I’m too shy to actually tell the nice ladies, and I also never bothered to learn any of their names. Also most of these are potentially offensive.

As much as I admire the women I work with (if I forgot to mention before, all six or seven of them are beautiful and charming), I never had much of a chance to form any kind of relationship with them. They always have their hands beyond full, and I’m not really supposed to use much Japanese in front of the kids, see. So most of these ideas are merely speculations based on a year and a half of intense people-watching.

1. Most Likely To Hit on the Firemen Who Visit Once a Year – The hot one with the intense facial expression who turns out to be surprisingly submissive and kind, suggesting she’s been wronged by an asshole or two in her time.

2. Most Likely to Someday Congeal Into a Ball of Concentrated Cutie Goo – The cute, youngest one who used to have no confidence.

3. Most Toothiest – The toothy one.

4. One I’d Most Like to Marry – The one I just found out is getting married soon to a guy who’s not me.

5. Most Probably Hung Over a Lot of the Time – The one who rarely wears makeup and who was into judo back in school. I mean come on.

6. Most Likely to Stick Around – The one who left last year. Scratch that.

7. The Best One – The one who tries to speak English to me even when the kids aren’t looking.

8. Most Likely to Actually Be Into S&M Shit – Like several of them, dude. I mean, pro’lly.

9. Most Hummingbirdlike Physique – The one whose sneezes make windows in the next county (sorry, prefecture) shatter.

10. Most Likely to Have Kids Someday – The one who’s getting married.