Top Ten Ways a Cherry Blossom Tree is Better than Life in Prison

Nothing like a little dramatic contrast to add some spice to your Tuesday.

10. Cherry blossoms are beautiful, while prisons are generally squalid and built with little concern for aesthetics.

9. Cherry trees provide a week or two of joy, while life in prison provides a life of imprisonment.

8. The blossoming cherry tree is celebrated with picnics. Life in prison is not celebrated by the party concerned.

7. Cherry blossoms embody the spirit of “wabisabi” and are an invaluable cultural treasure. In prison, men rape each other.

6. The pure, snowy pink splendor of the cherry blossoms in bloom seems to illuminate otherwise mundane scenery. In prison, we’re having pubic hairs for supper.

5. Cherry trees provide the perfect place for a picnic with your loved ones. In prison, your chances of touching feces directly with your fingers rise by seven thousand percent.

4. The blooming period of cherry blossoms ends with a glorious rain of flower petals, covering everything in sight with pink flakes of wonder. The life sentence in prison ends with the involuntary evacuation of your bowels as you gurgle your last gurgle.

3. Cherry trees in bloom provide much needed shade from the sweltering, oppressive April sun. Prison provides unwanted shade from everything you’ve ever known or loved.

2. Cherry trees are fun for climbing! There’s nothing fun about forced sodomy.

1. Carving the initials of both you and a loved one into the trunk of a cherry tree is totally fun and meaningful. In prison, you will have initials carved into your body. They will be the initials of someone unloved.

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