Hey, so I been thinkin’.

What is the deal with writing “R.I.P.” on tombstones, or wherever else you wish to honor the dead? I mean, if there was ever a time to take the effort to actually say the full phrase, I would think that would be it. Doesn’t it seem like an awfully flippant way to pay respect to your loved ones? Even worse is when people actually carve it into the tombstones, like they’re saving the space for something: “Let these words be immortalized for ALL TIME. Rip.”

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I see “R.I.P.”, inside my head I say the actual word “rip”, or worse, the sound of ripping. And what an inappropriate sound. A man just died, for all we know by being ripped in half by a rogue wheat thresher, but even if he died peacefully in his sleep, or even if he was actually a she, it’s an awfully intrusive sound to have enter your brain when you’re trying to have a solemn moment of silence.

I can’t help but think back to the days of middle school. We’d get our yearbooks as summer approached, and we’d get some time to go around and have our classmates sign them. Your good friends would leave long, meaningful messages for you, while others would simply write “Best wishes” or “Godspeed” or “Thank God the misery is over (until next year)”. Those who were feeling particularly devoid of creativity or a soul would write “Have a good summer”, and those who were outright dicks of the proudest order would quickly and haphazardly scrawl “HAGS” in some inconspicuous corner of the page.

HAGS. Like, “Technically I’m wishing you to have a good summer, but also I want to be sure and conjure up a foul image for you that you’ll be sure to think of every time you see this in the future, so that you can remember with pristine vividity (Not a word but then again neither is hags. Oh wait yeah it is) that we were never, ever friends.”

When someone writes “HAGS” in your yearbook, you can rest assured they wouldn’t bat an eyelash if you died over the summer. Probably wouldn’t even say “Rip”. What better way to show a person your complete lack of sincerity than by using an ugly acronym. If you don’t believe me, try out some of the ones below and see how much of your life is still intact by the end of the list.

INYIM – At first mistakable for Cantonese, your heart-shattered (in)significant other will realize after a moment’s thought that you meant to say “It’s not you, it’s me,” but also wanted to wrap this up quick so that you could get back to thinking about yourself.

PLML – We all get tongue-tied when terrorists have assault rifles pointed at our craniums, plus those guys seem relatively busy, so might as well be succinct when pleading for them to please let us live.

YHMAH – One of the great romantic lines of our time, it would’ve been an awful lot greater if they’d sped that shit up.

WYMM – What better way to seal the deal than with the expediency of an acronym? Besides, I feel like kind of a big tool kneeling here on one knee and I’d like to get through this before I rip my freaking ACL. Heh, “rip”.

Once she’s agreed to marry you, you can save everybody a lot of time at your wedding with a few well-placed acronyms.

“DYTTWTBYLWW?”
“ID.”
“DYTTMTBYLWW?”
“ID.”
“INPYMAW. YMKTB.”
“Y.”

The last one means “Yay.”

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